Dallas Republican
black turtleneck
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Ménage à droit

There is nothing sexier than two women on the Right ... and they give such wonderful linkage. Thanks, Maripat, and welcome, RWA readers! Scroll down for the Drabble idiot fisking, or just click here.

They also had one of my favorite Reagan quotes on their site the other day:
We are not going to tolerate these attacks from outlaw states, run by the strangest collection of misfits, looney tunes, and squalid criminals since the advent of the Third Reich.
Also at Right We Are... a 12-step program for overcoming personal liberalism! And now that the war has opened so many eyes to the looniness of the left, the timing is perfect. No permalink, though; the ladies don't have them yet, so you'll have to scroll down for it.

I am not worthy, the sequel

Right We Are! also has quotes from Dennis Miller's appearance on Leno earlier this week. A couple of my favorites:
What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.

The Democrats continue to snipe at Bush. They'll never give it up to him. You know Teddy Kennedy and Tom Daschle pick more nits than a father and son spider monkey team who know they're being followed by a National Geographic film crew.

If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem. You know something Bill, if you were any more low rent you'd be a Spring Break destination.

Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again.
Thank you, Dennis, for proving that you can be pro-war and still retain your citizenship in Sushi America, where the politics are silly, but the martinis are tasty.

Putain materiel

The ever-versatile Madonna Ciccone, Special Forces reservist, children's book writer, failed actress, asetic philosopher, and self-described cheap date, is now officially the Jerry Lewis of the 21st Century. Not only does she "feel at home" in France, but she also made sure to take time out of a Paris performance to thank the French for futile, stupid, destructive, but IronyFest-winning effort to obstruct the Saddam Hussein smackdown.

Merde in France notes that Madge will be welcomed with open arms in her new "home": "Of course she feels at home. It's a giant f***ing whorehouse here." Sounds better in French: "Bien entendu qu'elle se sent chez elle. C'est un putain d'énorme bordel ici."

In other Madonna news, the writing on the wall for the aging ur-boytoy to bow out gracefully from the music business (yes, Madonna actually performs songs too!) became even clearer as the MTV hoochies of recent memory, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera, have both entered the brunette phase that indicates their maturing as musical eye candy.

Carolina dreamin'

Good friend and Mr. T homeboy TigerBo writes in to inform us that the Spanish mackerel are biting back home along the coast.

Making me VERY homesick right now; I haven't been fishing since Thanksgiving, and I love Spanish mackerel. Catching them, and eating them cooked any way you like, or even uncooked, as sushi. Tasty!

How hooked am I on the Outer Banks? So much that when my cousin asked me what message I'd like to put on one of the bombs his group was dropping on the Republican Guards, the only thing I could think of was the "OBX" sticker.

Bombs OK, cartoons bad

Booga! Booga! Booga!

Someone, probably Tim Blair, has already "fisked" this article better than I ever could, but:
a.) It's too late to look anywhere else,

b.) This piece is so silly that it deserves, nay, commands the mocking of everyone in the blogosphere, and

c.) Frog-bashing is getting a bit old. I still hate Chirac et compagnie, but man cannot live on bread alone.
So here goes. FYI, this piece ran in the Daily Telegraph (London), the conservative broadsheet, not some nut-job "blood on your hands" lefty rag like The Guardian or the Daily Mirror. Beginning with the headline:
I loathe America, and what it has done to the rest of the world
by Margaret Drabble
I thought you antiwar types were supposed to be so much more understanding than the rest of us... and isn't "hate" supposed to be an archaic, MALE emotion, Margaret? One that will be eliminated when vegetarian womyn finally wrest control of the planet's destiny from the grubby, calloused hands of flesh-eating men?

And what HAS America done to the rest of the world? Defeated Nazism and Communism, given the world the computer and the Internet, fostered global culture, helped create the United Nations, a stable world economic order, and helped bring liberty, economic opportunity, justice and Pamela Anderson in a red bathing suit to billions of individuals and families around the world. Bloody Yanks.

Maybe this article is intended as a bit of farce, rather like the line from Monty Python's Life of Brian: "All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?" Or perhaps Brits just think alike.
I knew that the wave of anti-Americanism that would swell up after the Iraq war would make me feel ill. And it has. It has made me much, much more ill than I had expected.
And with England's socialized medicine, good luck getting someone to take a look at you. The doctor will see you in five years.
My anti-Americanism has become almost uncontrollable. It has possessed me, like a disease. It rises up in my throat like acid reflux, that fashionable American sickness. I now loathe the United States and what it has done to Iraq and the rest of the helpless world.
So, Maggie, you're saying you don't like America, and it makes you ill, so ill that you're just going to repeat this over and over again until your NHS doctor grants you an office visit in three months' time. Please, do get on with it.
I can hardly bear to see the faces of Bush and Rumsfeld, or to watch their posturing body language, or to hear their self-satisfied and incoherent platitudes. The liberal press here has done its best to make them appear ridiculous, but these two men are not funny.
The Magster must be ill. She's confusing Saturday Night Live with the news. Will Farrell is not the president. The President and Secretary Rumsfeld are not comedians, they're leaders. Although it would be fun to see Rummy go off during a news conference, Pesci-style, and challenge the reporters: "But, I'm funny how? Funny like a clown? Do I amuse you? I make you laugh? I'm here to f***in' amuse you?" But IMAO owns the franchise to the whole fantasy Rumsfeld idea, so I'll move on. Frank also has the monkeys.
I was tipped into uncontainable rage by a report on Channel 4 News about "friendly fire", which included footage of what must have been one of the most horrific bombardments ever filmed.
"Uncontrollable rage"? For a pacifist, Mags seems to be resorting to anger a bit too easily. Whatever happened to "hugs, not bombs?"
But what struck home hardest was the subsequent image, of a row of American warplanes, with grinning cartoon faces painted on their noses. Cartoon faces, with big sharp teeth.
Death and destruction is one thing, but cartoon images? With big strong pointy teeth? Run for the hills! I feel a Disney reference coming on...
It is grotesque. It is hideous. This great and powerful nation bombs foreign cities and the people in those cities from Disneyland cartoon planes out of comic strips. This is simply not possible. And yet, there they were.
We are the nation who gave the world the Happy Meal; what do you expect, Mag-Mag? And while you're pondering that, please tell me why precision smart-bombing known valid military targets in Baghdad from a plane with a cartoon on the nose is worse than indiscriminate carpet-bombing intentionally targeting civilians from planes WITHOUT cartoons. Like the Germans in Rotterdam and Coventry in 1940 and the Russians in Grozny in 1995. And let's not forget the Royal Air Force over Dresden in 1945.

The same RAF that gave us the idea for painting the "sharks teeth" on fighter-bombers, way back in 1942. (hat tip: Instapundit, as if Glenn really needs more traffic, the puppy-drinking, devil-worshipping, hobo-murdering, "Rocky Top"-singing, robot-dancing, communist tool)
Others have written eloquently about the euphemistic and affectionate names that the Americans give to their weapons of mass destruction: Big Boy, Little Boy, Daisy Cutter, and so forth.
Well, Bomb Live Unit 82-B/C-130 doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, now does it?

Maybe, if we really wanted to be less cute and more accurate about naming bombs for the destructive power they wield on unsuspecting nations, we should start naming bombs after Democratic politicians: Big Boy becomes Tom Daschle, Little Boy becomes Al Gore, Daisy Cutter becomes Jimmy Carter, and the most destructive (but largely unseen) conventional bomb, the MOAB, would be renamed "Hillary Rodham Clinton".
We are accustomed to these sobriquets; to phrases such as "collateral damage" and "friendly fire" and "pre-emptive strikes". We have almost ceased to notice when suicide bombers are described as "cowards". The abuse of language is part of warfare. Long ago, Voltaire told us that we invent words to conceal truths. More recently, Orwell pointed out to us the dangers of Newspeak.
I agree; suicide bombers aren't cowards. They're idiots.

Great point about Orwellian Newspeak as well. You heard it a lot at the United Nations: Iran and Iraq chairing the disarmament committee, The USA being kicked off the Human Rights Commission to make room for Castro's Cuba and slave-trading Sudan, de Villepin's calls for upholding the sanctity of the international community while running around behind America's back to prop up an evil dictator who'd already been condemned 17 times by the international community (no blood for oil indeed, Monsieur TotalFinaElf).

For the height of Orwellian Newspeak, though, we had Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, the Iraqi Information Minister: "There are no American infidels in Baghdad. Never! War Is Peace! Freedom is Slavery! Ignorance is Strength! I triple guarantee you, there are no American soldiers in Baghdad."
But there was something about those playfully grinning warplane faces that went beyond deception and distortion into the land of madness. A nation that can allow those faces to be painted as an image on its national aeroplanes has regressed into unimaginable irresponsibility. A nation that can paint those faces on death machines must be insane.
No, only a nation that can offer brand-name electronics at prices this low could be IN-SANE!!!!! The faces on planes, slogans on bombs, etc. actually represent a healthy sense of humanity in our Marines, sailors, and airmen, the human spirit making itself known amidst the awful industrial machinery of war.
There, I have said it. I have tried to control my anti-Americanism, remembering the many Americans that I know and respect, but I can't keep it down any longer. I detest Disneyfication, I detest Coca-Cola, I detest burgers, I detest sentimental and violent Hollywood movies that tell lies about history.
Now I know why the Dow was down 30 points today. At least Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Laurie Dhue and the rest of the Fox Fembots are safe.
I detest American imperialism, American infantilism, and American triumphalism about victories it didn't even win.
"American triumphalism about American victories it didn't win"?!?!? Something sounds fishy here; Velma and Daphne, why don't you pull the mask off of this so-called "Margaret Drabble"?

Why, that's no writer for the London Daily Telegraph! It's that mean old man from the amusement park, Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf!

MSS: "I would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for you pesky kids! And I triple guarantee you, there are no American soldiers in Baghdad."
America uses the word "democracy" as its battle cry, and its nervous soldiers gun down Iraqi civilians when they try to hold street demonstrations to protest against the invasion of their country. So much for democracy. (At least the British Army is better trained.)
Well, people were firing at us. Maybe we should bring back Saddam, the Fedayeen, the rape rooms, people shredders, and children's prisons; you didn't have to worry about street demonstrations getting out of control then.
America is one of the few countries in the world that executes minors. Well, it doesn't really execute them - it just keeps them in jail for years and years until they are old enough to execute, and then it executes them. It administers drugs to mentally disturbed prisoners on Death Row until they are back in their right mind, and then it executes them, too.
Well, if you are going to execute someone, shouldn't the condemned be able to understand why they're being executed?
They call this justice and the rule of law. America is holding more than 600 people in detention in Guantánamo Bay, indefinitely, and it may well hold them there for ever. Guantánamo Bay has become the Bastille of America. They call this serving the cause of democracy and freedom.
Actually, we call it keeping the terrorist bastards from hitting us again. We captured these people in battle in Afghanistan. It's not like we hired Gallup to give us a random sample of 600 Arabs and then yanked them off a Cairo street. And the most important component of "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" does happen to be life, Maggie.
I keep writing to Jack Straw about the so-called "illegal combatants", including minors, who are detained there without charge or trial or access to lawyers, and I shall go on writing to him and his successors until something happens. This one-way correspondence may last my lifetime...
Probably so. Given your attitude in the rest of the piece so far, I doubt Foreign Minister Straw's first reaction upon receiving one of your missives in the morning inbox is to say, "A letter from Margaret Drabble! Not only must I read this right now, I must reply to it and devote every part of my being to turning her suggestions into the official policy of Her Majesty's Government! Immediately!"

Straw's reaction probably is more on the lines of, "Great, another rant from that prattling b*tch Drabble down in Kent who goes all Rumsfeld every time she sees a painting on the nose of a warplane. Where is that 'delete" key?"

Hate to tell you, Mags, but your note probably ranks on the same level in Straw's inbox as all the other morning spam for things like genital-lengthening devices, pirate satellite descramblers, mortgage refinancing, and BARELY!!!LEGAL!!!TEENS!!!HOT!!!HOT!!!HOT!!!!!.
A great democratic nation cannot behave in this manner. But it does. I keep remembering those words from Nineteen Eighty-Four, on the dynamics of history at the end of history, when O'Brien tells Winston: "Always there will be the intoxication of power… Always, at every moment, there will be the thrill of victory, the sensation of trampling on an enemy who is helpless. If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face - forever."

Actualy, we acted to save Iraq from that kind of tyranny, "Margaret", if that is even your real name.
We have seen enough boots in the past few months to last us a lifetime. Iraqi boots, American boots, British boots. Enough of boots.
I didn't see boots as many times as I saw embeds like Rick Leventhal and info-babes like Laurie Dhue. Mmmmm... Laurie...

I'm sure the troops have had enough of boots, especially the "elite" Republican Guards who ditched theirs at the first opportunity. And our boys probably wouldn't mind slipping into a pair of Nikes after 4-5 months in combat boots.
I hate feeling this hatred. I have to keep reminding myself that if Bush hadn't been (so narrowly) elected, we wouldn't be here, and none of this would have happened. There is another America. Long live the other America, and may this one pass away soon.
She saved the biggest news for the end...

Osama bin Laden is a Broward County election worker! My gosh! We've been looking in the wrong place! Quick! Send the 24th MEU to Palm Beach, stat!

And on the way back from the Gulf, if you can spare a J-DAM along the way for a certain cartoon-obsessed "Margaret" in suburban London, please do so. Preferably delivered by an A-10. You know, the tank-busters with the smiley shark faces on the nose. White House psyops will have her tethered to her computer for the next 50-60 years, holding her breath until she turns blue for the return of Jimmy Carter and a reply from Jack Straw.

I. Am. Not. Worthy.

Dennis Miller, in the Wall Streel Journal(!) on the same irritating Norman Mailer article I incoherently ragged on last week. Samples:
Mr. Mailer was the Father of the Nonfiction Novel and now he can also claim lineage as the distant, addled Third Cousin of the Rational Op-Ed. Studying at the Sorbonne as a young man obviously made a deep impression on him because this thing reads like Jacques Chirac's Dream Journal.

With six marriages under his belt, one would assume Mr. Mailer has a stranglehold on warfare. One would be wrong...

Ironically, Mr. Mailer seems to see everything in the world in terms of black and white, except of course, good and evil...

I empathize with Mr. Mailer in one regard, though. Although he's clearly abdicated the lucid throne, it must be hellish for someone who can still arrange words so beautifully--i.e., "the question will keen in pitch"--to wake up every morning and have it slowly dawn on him that he's effectively been rendered totally irrelevant.
Go read the whole thing.

You're dead to me, Fredo

No excuse, no reconciliation.

Returning to normalcy

The NYT and the English papers are in the midst of a huge debate over whether fish feel pain when they are hooked. Duh.

Irrelevant PC debate about the blatantly obvious? The terrorists have not won; we remain defiant.

Bathroom reading

There's something a little disturbing about America's reading choices being subject to the local mores of Bentonville, Arkansas, but we must remember that we can go to Target and Costco if we don't like what Wal-Mart and Sam's Club have to offer.

One of the reasons given for taking Maxim and Stuff off the shelves was the argument that the magazines are a "gateway" to larger porn, but I didn't finish the rest of the article because I was distracted by another website.

Roll, tide

You can now be fired as a college coach for simply visiting a strip club.

That's cool, because alert readers have sent me pictures of a few other college coaches seen raising hell with a fist full of dollar bills, namely

Duke head basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski

and NC State head football coach Chuck Amato.

On the offhand chance this works with politicians, I think I saw Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle hanging out at Baby Dolls as well.

I did think about applying this to the French, but Chirac, de Villepin, et al. are much more likely to be the stripper than the voyeur.

That's all, for now

Sorry about the light posting today; I'm slammed on a quick project right now. Promise to return to full-contact blogging tonight.

Here we go, here we go, here we go

Saw Bend It Like Beckham over the weekend, and completely recommend it. Extremely funny movie, and much more guy-friendly than the last quirky-funny indie film/cross-cultural comedy everyone said to go watch, My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

The movie also demonstrates that we are going to win the peace in Iraq and the larger War on Terror, and win big.

The moment came about halfway through the movie, listening to cover versions of "Everybody Do The Conga" by Gloria Estafan and "Hot Hot Hot" by Buster Poindexter being played and danced to at an Indian wedding party. I had to smile... Latin songs initially popularized by a Cuban-American refugee and 1980s New York hipster, performed in Hindi, and being played like as if they were the most natural thing in the world, by a group of Indians in suburban London.

Sure, we have the military power to kick serious butt (Thanks, Tad!), the rule of law, democracy, and even the money. But more than that, we have the most vibrant culture on the planet here in the English-speaking world. One that welcomes cultures from all over the world, is enriched by them, and gives people from those cultures hope for a better life than they could have had before. From English second sons and debtor farmers in the 1600s, to the Irish in the 1800s, to the Italians, Chinese and others 100 years ago, to almost everybody today--Mexicans, Indians, Vietnamese, Cuban, everybody.

A cultural synergy where both sides benefit from the cultural exchange.

As opposed to the Islamic fascists who seek to destroy us and return their cultures, and ours, to where things were 500 years ago, all under the rule of despotic theocrats, everyone jammed into their local political, cultural and religious cubbyhole, never to exchange thoughts, and much more easily controlled.

And that is why we will win. The Iraqis will create their own culture in their new country, a culture true to their traditions and their religion and who they are. They'll have some Western influences, sure, like democracy, the rule of law, a few of our cheesier TV shows, and perhaps a McDonald's or two. The result of all this will help millions of individual Iraqis create a better life for themselves and their children, better than anything anyone in that part of the world could imagine, just like my Scottish ancestors did in Virginia and Jess' family in "Bend It" did in London. The rest of the Arab world will watch, sniping at first, then jealous, but will soon want it for themselves. And we will celebrate.

Something to ponder while you pop open a Corona for Cinco de Mayo and then head out for a curry or sushi. God bless America.

X marks the spot

The war (OK, major combat in the Battle of Iraq) is over, which means summer movie season can now begin (Tad, I hope they fly the movies over to the Gulf for you folks still on duty securing the peace).

Also saw X2, the X-Men movie sequel this weekend... and it rocks! The first movie wasn't so good, but I went to see the sequel because the X-Men were my favorite comic book as a kid. And this one fully lives up to the potential of the comic book. Tons of action and breathtaking special effects, Wolverine drinking beer AND in berserker mode, Nightcrawler "bamf-ing", being suave as well as true to his faith, foreshadowing of the Phoenix saga, lots of the characters popping up... forgive me for geeking out here, but it was very cool.

The biggest surprise? Yuriko, the Lady Deathstrike character and Wolverine, played by Kelly Hu, VERY shagadelic. That's saying something, since she had to stand out from Halle Berry and Famke Janssen in leather catsuits, AND Rebecca Romjin-Stamos in blue body paint and not much else. But she does her deadly brunette ice-queen thing so well, it got me to wondering if MSNBC should consider hiring her to beef up their stable of counter-Fox brunette ice queens, which already include Bianca Solorzano and Natalie Morales.

And no, TigerBo, it's not just because her name is Kelly.

Qu'est-ce que c'est, le Matrix?

While at the movies, I saw a trailer for The Matrix: Reloaded, which got me even more pumped than I am already. 10 more days... So I went and watched the first Matrix again today. Still rocks, and it got me to thinking deep thoughts, as it does for so many people.

This time, possibly prompted by Scrappleface, I started daydreaming about the war and the diplomatic run-up to war:
Rummy: What is The Matrix? Control. The United Nations today has become a French-generated dream world built to keep us under control in order to change a first-world country into this (holds up American Express card).
W: No. I don't believe it. It's not possible!
Rummy: I didn't say it would be easy, Neo. I just said it would be the truth.

That was the moment it hit me: French Foreign Minister and IronyFest2003 prime-time-player Dominique "Wilkins" de Villepin de Sarcelles de Vichy de Cul is Agent Smith. Don't believe me? Consider the evidence:
* No matter where or when we try to do something, he always pops up to obstruct the forces of good
* From a distance, he looks normal, but up close, there's just something off about him, something not really human
* Given the way he pops up in UN member countries with votes involving US initiatives, he seems to be able to clone himself at will
* Human beings are nothing but pawns to be expended in his little power games
* His agenda is diametrically opposed to humanity (OK, Western Civilization, which I hold to be the same thing)
* Both men make a show of being solicitous, but you instinctively feel them just oozing evil
And if you change one or two words in Agent Smith's dialogue from the Matrix, it sounds suspiciously French:
Have you ever stood and stared at America, Morpheus? Marveled at its beauty. Its genius. Millions of people just living out their lives... oblivious.

I hate America. This zoo. This prison. This reality, whatever you want to call it, I can't stand it any longer. It's the smell, if there is such a thing. I feel saturated by it. I can taste your stink and every time I do, I fear that I've somehow been infected by it.

I'd like to share a revelation that I've had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify you Americans. I realized that you're not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment, but you humans do not. You move to an area, and you multiply, and multiply, until every natural resource is consumed. The only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. A virus.

Americans are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You are a plague, and France is the cure.

Never send a human to do a Frenchman's job.

As you can see, we've had our eye on you for some time now, Mr. Bush. It seems that you have been living two lives. In one life, you're George W. Bush, chief executive for a respectable first-world country. You have a social security number, pay your taxes, and you... help the U.N. carry out her garbage. The other life is lived in politics, where you go by the hacker alias "W" and are guilty of virtually every outrage of common sense the European Union has a law for. One of these lives has a future, and one of them does not.

Do you hear that, Mr. Powell? That is the sound of inevitability. It is the sound... of America's death.
Still don't believe me? Take a look at this picture from one of the closed-door U.N. Security Council sessions last February when Colin Powell met with de Villepin and the other foreign ministers from the Axis of Weasels:

Of course, de Villepin might not be a real-world Agent Smith. Agent Smith did say one line that you would never hear coming from the velvety tongue of France's official spokesman for TotalFinaElf:
We're willing to wipe the slate clean, give you a fresh start. All that we're asking in return is your cooperation in bringing a known terrorist to justice.

We mock what we do not understand

But it's even funnier when you do understand it.

I have gotten e-mails from France asking, "why do you use the term 'Wilkins' to refer to de Villepin?" Some American readers wonder what the other "de"'s I attach to Dom's last name mean. So in the interest of perfect cultural communication, here is an explanation of my reference to the French Foreign Minister as Dominique "Wilkins" de Villepin de Sarcelles de Vichy de Cul:
* "Wilkins": refers to NBA basketball great Dominique Wilkins, who played for the same high school in North Carolina that I attended. Wilkins' ferocious dunks as an Atlanta Hawk earned him the label "human highlight film". De Villepin's antics, by contrast, should earn him the label "human lowlight film".

* "Sarcelles": as readers of Merde In France already know in excruciating detail, Sarcelles is the gang-ridden no-man's land South Central of Paris, inhabited by unassimilated guest workers and their families, plagued by violence, terrorism, Islamist misogyny, and a movement to impose strict Muslim shari'a religious law in the neighborhood by any means necessary.

* "Vichy": refers to the WWII French government that collaborated with the Nazis, based in Vichy.

* "Cul": the literal French word for ***hole, and a very naughty thing to call a Frenchman.

Why so naughty, since we use ***hole all the time? In France, the word thrown around for an impossibly stupid person is a "connard". "Connard" is also based on different naughty bit, in their case, the word "con", which is the slang term for female genitalia. "Con" is also the root of the English four-letter word slang term for that bit of anatomy, probably the only swear word left that is still censored in public and on film (pronounce "con" very fast with a French accent, and you'll learn).

But the French throw "con" around all the time, just as often as you hear "***hole in English, with the same exact cultural meaning. And the reverse of that, "cul" in French, is just as forbidden as the literal English translation of "con".

Why this is, I do not know. But pondering why the French and English attach such different meanings to the words for the same body parts does make for an interesting thought experiment.
Wrapping up today's class on the evil Frenchman, I'm still wondering why I get hits from the French Google site ( for searches for the term "Dominique Villepin smart". Evidently Dom is desperate for some sort of approval from the English-speaking world. Try Indymedia.

Movie week continues

Feeling a bit like Roger Ebert here, but without the weight or the horrible politics.

Another great movie to rent is Barcelona. A very funny film about family, relationships, and being American in the midst of Europeans. It's especially funny these days, with the silliness of de Villepin and almost everyone else on The Continent:
Fred: You can't say Americans are more violent than other people.
Woman: All those people killed in shootings in America?
Fred: Oh,
shootings, yes. But that doesn't mean Americans are more violent than other people. We're just better shots.

Marta: Ramon is very persuasive and he painted a terrible picture of what it would be like to live the rest of her life in America with all of its crime, consumerism and vulgarity. All those loud badly dressed fat people watching their 80 channels of television and visiting shopping malls; a plastic, throwaway everything society with its notorious violence and racism and finally a total lack of culture.
Fred: It's a problem.

Ted: Maybe you'd like an analogy. Well, take... take these ants. In the U.S. view, a small group, or cadre, of fierce red ants have taken power and are oppressing the black ant majority. Now the stated U.S. policy is to aid those black ants opposing the red ants in hopes of restoring democracy,and to impede the red ants from assisting their red ant comrades in neighboring ant colonies.
Ramon: That is clearly the most disgusting description of U.S. policy I have ever heard. The Third World is just a lot of ants to you.
Juergen: Those are people dying, not ants.
Ted: No, I... I don't think you understand. I was reducing everything to ant scale, the... the U.S. included. An ant White House, an ant CIA, an ant Congress, an ant Pentagon...
Ramon: Secret ant landing strips, illegally established on foreign soil.
(steps on and crushes anthill with his foot)
Ted: That was really terrible.
Fred: You're blowing it way out of proportion, don't take it so seriously, those red ants were bad news. They weren't any good for anybody.
Ted: I was trying to convince them to look at Americans in a new way and in one stupid move you confirmed their worst assumptions.
Fred: I did not confirm their worst assumptions...I am their worst assumption.

Montserrat: I think you are too sensitive.
Fred: Oh great, now we're too sensitive. I think it's well-known that anti-Americanism has its roots in sexual impotence, at least in Europe.

Ted: You see, that's one of the great things about getting involved with someone from another country. You can't take it personally. What's really terrific is that when we act in ways which might objectively seem ***hole-ish or incredibly annoying, they don't get upset at all. They don't take it personally. They just assume it's some national characteristic.
And the movie is the source of one of my all-time favorite smackdowns:
You are far weirder than someone merely into S&M. At least they have a tradition. We have some idea what S&M is about. There's movies and books about it. But so far as I know, there is nothing to explain the way you are.

Final movie post... maybe

Scrolling through the on-screen program guide this weekend (the only way to fly), I noticed that The Stepford Wives was in heavy rotation on Oxygen. Think "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" made by a feminazi: "Wake up, wake up, your happiness is an illusion, the patriarchy is OUT TO GET YOUUUUUUUU!!!!!!" Just as dated as Invasion of the Body Snatchers, too.

Guess somebody must be freaked out about the Left being wrong about the war and the almost unstoppable (easy with the hubris talk, Andrew Sullivan, I said almost) advance of the Republican Party. Either that, or Fox News.

If things don't improve by next weekend, I imagine they'll run The Handmaid's Tale. After that, I don't know what they'd show to get their audience all riled up. Perhaps a Britney Spears retrospective or a Madonna movie marathon.

Feminist nightmares continue

Russian bisexual lipstick lesbian pop duo Tatu (there's a phrase you don't hear every day) plan to wed if they win the Abba-sounding Eurovision song contest. Rest assured, girls and boys, they still plan on playing around, and they're even going to move into a brothel.

If I had a position in the Slutpublican party (hint, hint, Michele), I would replace Ari Fleischer with these girls. The whole country would tune in for even the tiniest press conferences, and Jerry Springer would go out of business.

Walk like an Egyptian

Speaking of press spokesmen, Info-Boy himself, the Iraqi Information Minister, supposedly kept giving propaganda orders even while changing out of his uniform to go into hiding, donning one of those red-and-white kaffiyehs that reminds everyone in the Western world of a Pizza Hut tablecloth. That's dedication, even though Saddam used to beat him

Info-boy is supposedly trying to give himself up, and he has his sights set on bigger game than Syria:
"He wants to get to Egypt. He has a lot of money stashed there in a bank and loves those Egyptian women very, very much."
I say set your sights higher, Mo. There are a lot of discredited celebrities in LA who would pay top dollar for your help... and the Beach Boys say that California girls are the best in the world.

Mistress of the obvious

In a recent interview, Madonna says that she is a cheap date. Well, we always knew she was a sure thing.

It appears that her time in the military, all three minutes of it, has even made her more of a normal person, someone you might spend some time with, or at least do more than just chain to your bedpost:
"I've learned to love ale... I become one of those English drunken girls. All it takes is a half of a pint. I'm a cheap date, yeah. You don't have to take me anywhere fancy."
Heck, she looks English already in the above picture... if a bit underweight.

Madonna is even starting to adopt our politics, it seems: she also made a point of venting her displeasure with the socialist mayor of London, "Red Ken" Livingston, for making her car pay tolls just like everyone else. Funny how all her supposedly high-minded socialist ranting is quickly forgotten when such thinking is applied to her. More of this, and we can look forward to a centerfold shoot for National Review in a couple of years.

On a personal note, I was surprised to learn that I've been to the neighborhood where Madonna lives in London: Marylebone, home to Abbott Mead Vickers/BBDO, the best damn ad agency on planet Earth.

The distance from hypocrisy to irony

The two days between the BBC interview above and this article about Madonna signing a deal with Penguin to write five children's books. The books have already been written, and are intended for "young readers ages six and older." Whatever that means in Madonna's world.

I don't care if she does it in this book or somewhere else, but I've been waiting 11 years since her last book to figure out what the heck the deal was with those cone thingys she used to always wear on her chest.

Kim Jong Il-vis

The news from North Korea reads more and more like The Onion every day. This week's chuckle? North Korea is saying they now have 100 to 300 nuclear missiles, and "they lock onto American cities".

Whew. When they were talking about having one or two, and maybe making a few more, that was scary, because it was believable. And then, I guess that Chairman Kim couldn't resist taking things one step further. This guy isn't just jealous of Saddam, he's also jealous of his Information Minister, too. For a Communist, he sure is greedy.

100 to 300 intercontinental ballistic missiles with MIRVs? Took the Russians 20 years. The Chinese still aren't there yet. But we're supposed to believe you and your country has done it in a few weeks? A country where berries, twigs, and dirt are three of the four major food groups? Get real.

If you really want to strike fear into our hearts, Kim, try a wardrobe change. The windbreaker just isn't doing it for me. Even Saddam had his beret.

Short subject

Alert reader Carolyn pointed us to what had to have been one of the shortest programs on record last week, on the History Channel:
French Intelligence
Thursday, May 1 @ 10pm ET/PT
History Channel International
If you blinked, you probably missed it.

The media is the message

In other news about meaningless French existentialist ramblings by people who are saddened when America succeeds, the Democratic Presidential candidates had their big presidential debate in South Carolina. They argued about health care. Typical.

Some of them also panned the real President for "staging a campaign photo op" aboard that aircraft carrier last week.

I think he did it because he's a pilot, and well, it was just cool, sort of like when you take the shortcut through Camp Lejeune on the way from Atlantic Beach to Wilmington and spot the "tank crossing" signs along the highway. You don't have to go that way, but it's kind of fun when you do.

And will this show up in a campaign commercial? Damn right, but not because Americans are stupid sheep who need simple visuals, as most Dems think. It's because the Bush people are smart enough to know that a picture says a thousand words, and in this case, a million or more.

Incredible visual shorthand for the question: when creepy Koran-spouting foreigners kill thousands of Americans out of the blue for simply being Americans, what would you do?
The Democrats:
First, ask why they hate us, then understand the root causes, then ask every member of the UN, including France, Russia, Cuba, Iran, Libya, and Togo, if it's OK, then poll every conceivable ethnic, gender, and sexual group including Norwegian cross-dressers named "Ute" if it's OK, then pass a bill to ensure that old people get free drugs, no matter what it does to the economy, the drugs market, or pharmaceutical research, then look for more root causes, then explain why we are evil, then accuse anyone who disagrees with their decision of being a racist and a fascist, then ask Bill Clinton, then give Hillary a makeover, then make sure the military's hands are tied so they have no chance of actually completing the mission, then recount the ballots in Broward County, Florida, then discuss the reasons for not going to war for two years on NPR, then see if the percentage of profits donated to Ben and Jerry's supposedly dedicated to "world peace" can buy off the creepy foreigners or maybe just the media here at home to keep quiet about it, and then, AND ONLY THEN, fire two or three cruise missiles in the general direction of the evildoers and proclaim victory.

The Republicans:
Take out the bastards who did this, along with those who harbored them, make sure it darn well doesn't ever happen again, and trust the military to do the job right.
You can talk about prescription drugs for seniors until you are blue in the face, offer them free cocaine for life, and you still won't be able to counter what that one picture means. Bring it on.

Of course, the Republicans aren't perfect yet, either. They're still hand-wringing about whether or not to call the parades to welcome the troops home "victory" parades or not. Quit overthinking this. If we're that worried about ticking off certain Arabs or the U.N., we'll call it a "Happy Butt-Kicking of Evil" parade. Or just "Welcome Home". The troops have earned it, so shut up and get on with it!

Yellow roses

Some folks outside the state wonder why Texans are so heavily armed. Here's one reason.

Honesty from the Left

Not quite Blair supporting the President, but close. Kudos to Donna Shalala for doing the right thing. Intellectual honesty is beautiful.

Once red, now green

The real reason why Vladimir Putin moved from Crawford Ranch buddy/staunch ally in the War on Terror to the Axis of Weasels: jealousy:
How would you feel if you were Putin? Your guys kill more people in a single Moscow theatre than Bush's do liberating Baghdad. Bush wraps Iraq up in a month, while you've spent years killing hundreds of thousands and reducing Grozny to rubble and your boys are still coming home in boxes.
Of course, it could also be retaliation for the nickname the President gave to Vladimir: "Pootie-Poot".